So I just realized yesterday that expressions like “I’m going to beat you to death,” “just go and die,” and “why won’t you just die?” are apparently normal everyday things to say to your kids in Chinese. I guess I never realized this because I just didn’t grow up around an actual Chinese community of any sort, and I figured these were just angry things my dad said to me all the time and he was actually threatening to kill me and he actually wanted me to go and die. I also didn’t realize that these were considered vulgarities in Chinese — up until yesterday I honestly believed I didn’t know any vulgarities in Chinese because I don’t know any words corresponding to the vulgarities I am familiar with in English. My mom never swears, and has always told me that she came from the kind of family that didn’t say things like that.

I came across a couple of rap songs in Shanghainese on Youtube last night, which was apparently completely disgusting and vulgar. And I understood pretty much every word of them, because it was the sort of thing my dad has been saying to me all my life. I couldn’t believe it. And I guess I also realized that I probably found my life at home so unlivable because I took all of it literally and personally, and I didn’t understand it from any cultural background like my parents do. It’s like… if someone said, “F* you” to me in English or German, I would dismiss it as just some random angry expletive, but as I have been understanding Chinese until now, I would have taken it literally. I guess these things don’t mean anything to people like my dad and uncle, who just throw it around pretty unconsciously.
I really wish I’d understood that growing up, and maybe then it wouldn’t have been so scary and painful. And even though I now do know how theoretically I’m supposed to disregard those sayings… I really don’t know if I can actually condition myself to believe that it doesn’t mean anything. I mean… is it really possible to tell someone to go die without even thinking about it a little? It is really possible for a human being to say things like that without even believing it a little, that they wish someone to die?
I wish Chinese people would stop saying such horrible things. They’re really awful, and I don’t think they’re of any constructive purpose — why are they teaching them to students of Chinese? If you’re learning Chinese right now, I suppose it’s good to understand that it doesn’t mean anything — but isn’t it better to just stop saying it?