Yesterday, I managed to show up about 45 minutes late for Ethics. It wasn’t really my fault, but all in all, the particular situation that resulted in my tardiness was quite thought-provoking. You see, my dad was supposed to have taken me to class, but he needed to take his twin brother to the hospital for some tests (turns out it wasn’t anything serious), and for the first time in my life I saw tears in his eyes as he drove me to class.

I’ve never, ever seen him so much as become the least bit teary for anybody — not me, not my mother, not his best friend when he died from cancer several years ago. Honestly, after all of these years, and how I’ve been hurt, I don’t know when I will be able to feel the kind of filial tenderness toward him that he expects of me. But… at least now I know for certain that in some world not my own, there is really a person capable of human emotion there. You probably know I value reason and rational thought to the utmost; also know that I have so much respect for people who can follow their feelings as well.

I managed to miss my quiz, and luckily for me my professor likes me and allowed me to write a few pages of critical response to make up for it, due in a couple of weeks. I don’t mind, because I’d gained the opportunity to reflect and make myself a little more at peace.

One of the reasons I’m saying this is — no matter how distantly relevant my little anecdote seems — right now is a good time to keep in mind that we should, above all else, be true to ourselves. Don’t try to reason yourself out of your gut instincts — you probably know by now that more often than not, it’ll be a mistake.

The other, slightly relevant idea is that you always have a choice. When we were younger, we followed examples and feelings only. Now that you can rationalize as well, there really aren’t any scenarios in which you can’t help doing something. In this respect, Elvis was an idiot. Can’t help falling in love? Of course you can help it! On the other hand, it’s so dangerous to corrupt this line of thought into, “Reason is my only choice — we cannot help but be rational,” because reason is so prone to fallacy.

I implore of you again (and you know who you are) that your perception of fit is more important than some stupid rankings, and more important than the opinions of a bunch of people who you know, deep down, don’t know anything. For once, for you, put yourself first. I realize (and it’s frustrating) that not everyone sees college as some sort of four-year pilgrimage in search of intellectual and personal enlightenment, but whatever your motivation, choose an environment that is most conducive to it. In most cases, it will be the one in which you find you can be happy.

So, if it’s an easy choice, it’s a good thing. You already know what you want. If it’s difficult, that’s good too — because afterward, you’ll know you’ve given it a great deal of thought.

Instantly, with Milton’s Paradise Lost. And all it took was a tiny passage from an AP Literature practice exam. The poetry is absolutely breathtaking. It’s definitely going on the list of things I need to do this summer.

They all asked us the wrong questions when we were kids. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” A firefighter, said some. A baseball player. A professional deodorant tester. The President.

The problem is, they asked us about what we preferred in a future state of being. What do we want to be? I suppose they are those who would care about such things, but it is generally not a fulfilling use of these young years to achieve a particular state of being. What do you want to do? is what they should have asked — it’s better to aspire to do something than to be something.

While I was uploading a photo to the server last night, I discovered some folders in my subdomain directory that I didn’t create and that I couldn’t delete through my FTP client or even using a command line. One of them seemed to contain an IRC chatbot, I think. I was not thrilled. Anyway, Jules and the hosting company got rid of them for me in a matter of minutes, so I’m very impressed with them.

Other news: Facebook has gone mobile! Apparently we can send and receive wall postings and pokes on our cells now. I am actually completely terrified. Imagine — the bane of productivity for students everywhere, now a constant presence wherever we go!

I got the summer fellowship! I wasn’t going to apply to any, but I decided to do one app at the last minute.

Question is, will I be able to do it? I’ll probably be able to cut a week or two off the end for the surgery business and skip Outdoor/Community Action this fall. Not too big of a deal, I think. And since it’s local - only 15 minutes from home, it means I won’t be spending 3 hours every day commuting to Pasadena. (Two more hours a day to sleep! Or whatever!) It also means I’ll be able to go back to school in the evening for graduation.

I’m actually kind of excited, but I have yet to find out what I’m working on… which could be is likely to be somewhat disappointing, since my birthday’s in September and persons under 18 can’t work with chemicals and radiation. ( Darn, they always take away all the fun.)

By the way, members, I just wrote another protected post. Log in to read.